Monday, October 30, 2006
On the occasion of Amy Goldberg's brithday
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN MARKED "URGENT"
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
You look like a monkey!
And smell like one too!
Stand up! Stand up!
Stand up and give us a bow!- wow- wow
Stand up! Stand up!
Stand up if you can remember how!
___________
I'm David Shuman
And I approve of this message.
But just barely. I'd give it a low "D"
The reason it's so crappy is that coming into the home stretch, when
my weekend receives absolution, my PR crew is exhausted & our funding
is drying up fast. And vice-versa. So, the birthday message?
Fast-and-dirty. Quick-and-cheap. How important a constituency here?
Sorry, Amy, you're pretty far down the list. My polling guy says I
probably could ignore you altogether and you'll still support me
anyway. Or at least not turn State's evidence. (More on that later.)
It makes a lot more sense to reach out to a more promising 10/30
demographic, one a touch more "undecided." For example, Uncle Sidney
would have been 89 today. I'll reach out to him instead.
Sorry, this isn't personal. It's just "bizness." OK - look at it
this way. Say I sent you a fancier e-mail. I could have included
audio. Takes a little more time, a little more effort, uses a few
more kilobytes, but maybe you'd get a better overall impression. OK. I
do that. - and then what? You click on the little triangle, I
start to sing, and the next thing you know, Amnesty International is
down my door - they'll say that it doesn't matter that it's louder at
Guantanamo - it's the overall effect that really does the damage. I
could get sued (by your cochlea's estate, for one), arrested for
verbal assault, assault upon the senses, violations of terms of the
standing order etc etc and finally, the Feds will nail me for criminal
violations of the Federal Communications Act. Think - If an exposed
breast costs about $240,000 per second, or about $20,000 per
pixel-second, what'll it cost me?
But it won't stop there, Amy. The prosecutor will try and twist the
whole thing, say that my offense was so flagrant and wanton that I'd
be "gambling" long odds that I wouldn't get caught! They'll say that
"gambling" was my motive and since they can prove all the other
elements of the crime,(like that I did it,) they've clinched the case.
Getting caught on the Internet pulls a heavy weight these days.
I'll have my citizenship revoked. Be extraordinarily rendered to
Shuman House, Alaska. (pop. 5. Major port on Porcupine River) I'll
go there because my petition to be sent to Devil's Island was
rejected.
We can agree then? Even though you're the mom of the year, and this
is "the last birthday(number) you'll ever need," it's still a good
thing I didn't sent you a nicer e-mail?
Love, David
* * * Advertisement * * *
P.S.: I have to tell you - you can now receive all the news you'll
ever want! Rose got me a blog today! Or yesterday! I'm a
journalist! I think it's called "Papa's Blog" and it'll will be a few
weeks before we get the staff built and rolling. I think some of my
current PR crew might be good picks, and they'll all be looking for
jobs soon. Problem is, while imaginary people often make good
friends, very few work out as partners in business ventures.
I have a few imaginary examples in my blog of imaginary workers whose
productivity is below industry medians. If you do find my blog,
please let me know. I haven't accessed it yet, and I'm not sure how
to find it. It'll be easier when I implement my business plan,
because then I'll have prominent links with major sites. I'm thinking
to start:
1) the NY Times or maybe the Forward.
2) YouTube.
I'll probably put the link in the space currently taken by the
number two "Featured Video" rather than in #one's spot. That's
because I've been told that on some video sites, if my only content is
text, It's best for sales to appear a little humble.
3) Exxon.
Even though I might get more hits from some other site, Exxon made
over $10 billion last quarter and can afford to pay generous fees.
4) Swift Boat Veterans for Peace.com. News shows everywhere ran
these guy's ads for free. This should be a good site for generating
millions in publicity. In fact, what I might do visit, or maybe call
someone at Goldman or maybe Morgan, and they can raise a few billion
for me. I could secured it with a lien on the future free publicity
flow. This way, I'll have all the money upfront -I won't have to go
through all this work of writing a plan, doing a blog, do this, do
that nyah-nyah. So forget the blog for now.
P.P.S. As your lawyer, I am advising all of my imaginary clients
that the FCC's expanded budget for enforcement will significantly
increase the risk of fines to women who think that staying at home
means you can expose your breasts for free. If you are contemplating
such an act, please talk to me first about establishing a
special-purpose trust fund to defray costs of future convictions.
How old are you now!
How old are you now!
I'm to old to reflect
On what line 'sposed next.
***************
Well it's still your birthday in Albuquerque!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
You look like a monkey!
And smell like one too!
Stand up! Stand up!
Stand up and give us a bow!- wow- wow
Stand up! Stand up!
Stand up if you can remember how!
___________
I'm David Shuman
And I approve of this message.
But just barely. I'd give it a low "D"
The reason it's so crappy is that coming into the home stretch, when
my weekend receives absolution, my PR crew is exhausted & our funding
is drying up fast. And vice-versa. So, the birthday message?
Fast-and-dirty. Quick-and-cheap. How important a constituency here?
Sorry, Amy, you're pretty far down the list. My polling guy says I
probably could ignore you altogether and you'll still support me
anyway. Or at least not turn State's evidence. (More on that later.)
It makes a lot more sense to reach out to a more promising 10/30
demographic, one a touch more "undecided." For example, Uncle Sidney
would have been 89 today. I'll reach out to him instead.
Sorry, this isn't personal. It's just "bizness." OK - look at it
this way. Say I sent you a fancier e-mail. I could have included
audio. Takes a little more time, a little more effort, uses a few
more kilobytes, but maybe you'd get a better overall impression. OK. I
do that. - and then what? You click on the little triangle, I
start to sing, and the next thing you know, Amnesty International is
down my door - they'll say that it doesn't matter that it's louder at
Guantanamo - it's the overall effect that really does the damage. I
could get sued (by your cochlea's estate, for one), arrested for
verbal assault, assault upon the senses, violations of terms of the
standing order etc etc and finally, the Feds will nail me for criminal
violations of the Federal Communications Act. Think - If an exposed
breast costs about $240,000 per second, or about $20,000 per
pixel-second, what'll it cost me?
But it won't stop there, Amy. The prosecutor will try and twist the
whole thing, say that my offense was so flagrant and wanton that I'd
be "gambling" long odds that I wouldn't get caught! They'll say that
"gambling" was my motive and since they can prove all the other
elements of the crime,(like that I did it,) they've clinched the case.
Getting caught on the Internet pulls a heavy weight these days.
I'll have my citizenship revoked. Be extraordinarily rendered to
Shuman House, Alaska. (pop. 5. Major port on Porcupine River) I'll
go there because my petition to be sent to Devil's Island was
rejected.
We can agree then? Even though you're the mom of the year, and this
is "the last birthday(number) you'll ever need," it's still a good
thing I didn't sent you a nicer e-mail?
Love, David
* * * Advertisement * * *
P.S.: I have to tell you - you can now receive all the news you'll
ever want! Rose got me a blog today! Or yesterday! I'm a
journalist! I think it's called "Papa's Blog" and it'll will be a few
weeks before we get the staff built and rolling. I think some of my
current PR crew might be good picks, and they'll all be looking for
jobs soon. Problem is, while imaginary people often make good
friends, very few work out as partners in business ventures.
I have a few imaginary examples in my blog of imaginary workers whose
productivity is below industry medians. If you do find my blog,
please let me know. I haven't accessed it yet, and I'm not sure how
to find it. It'll be easier when I implement my business plan,
because then I'll have prominent links with major sites. I'm thinking
to start:
1) the NY Times or maybe the Forward.
2) YouTube.
I'll probably put the link in the space currently taken by the
number two "Featured Video" rather than in #one's spot. That's
because I've been told that on some video sites, if my only content is
text, It's best for sales to appear a little humble.
3) Exxon.
Even though I might get more hits from some other site, Exxon made
over $10 billion last quarter and can afford to pay generous fees.
4) Swift Boat Veterans for Peace.com. News shows everywhere ran
these guy's ads for free. This should be a good site for generating
millions in publicity. In fact, what I might do visit, or maybe call
someone at Goldman or maybe Morgan, and they can raise a few billion
for me. I could secured it with a lien on the future free publicity
flow. This way, I'll have all the money upfront -I won't have to go
through all this work of writing a plan, doing a blog, do this, do
that nyah-nyah. So forget the blog for now.
P.P.S. As your lawyer, I am advising all of my imaginary clients
that the FCC's expanded budget for enforcement will significantly
increase the risk of fines to women who think that staying at home
means you can expose your breasts for free. If you are contemplating
such an act, please talk to me first about establishing a
special-purpose trust fund to defray costs of future convictions.
How old are you now!
How old are you now!
I'm to old to reflect
On what line 'sposed next.
***************
Well it's still your birthday in Albuquerque!
Labels: amy, birthday, FCC persecution
