Papablog

To our readers:

We have received word of mass celebrations in many of the world's major cities honoring what was believed to be a human birth, and not the unveiling of a naked and squalling little blog. It appears that papablog's reported unveilingweight, 7.125 lbs., falls within the normal range for humans, and, based upon that single datum, erroneous conclusions were made by many of our normally credulous readers. True, baby papablog possesses unusual mass for its species, being in the 96th percentile at initial post and 97th percentile at two days. This is because it has converted precious little of its mass to energy. We are also investigating the possibility that an error was made in either measuring or reporting beginningweight.

We regret the misunderstanding, but we take no responsibility for the very deep disappointment that surely will be felt by the odd million or two subscribers that believed that the messiah had arrived. We at papablog have never encouraged the belief in a coming blog messiah, least of all in the person of papablog itself. We acknowledge that our journalistic standards have not permitted us to deny this eventuality (or, despite many demands, to refund subscription payments). But we can state unequivocally that the operating budget includes none of the messianically-themed activities proposed by our planning committee.

Archangel Gibroni, for the ombudsman.

Labels: correction messiah

We are proud to announce that a happy little 7 lb. 2 oz. blog was born
Sunday October 30, 2006.

The birth was a big surprise. We are very thankful for Rose's help;
without her immaculate conception and cunning deception, there would
be no reception:

BlogBris & Reception

You are all invited

When: starting at 2 pm November 7
Where: at http://papablog-papa.blogspot.com/
Why: will be first site on web to post final election results;
bettering old record by an hour.*

* "Kerry Wins" - 3 pm of election day 2004, by dshuman@verizon.net

Papa has always fought for intellectual property rights, but Congress has remained deaf to my exhortations. Instead we get a radical expansion of stupid property rights, exemplified by Mickey's pay packet extension and a newly created industry, which focuses on patenting other people's genes. Now that Activist Judges have made it illegal to want to keep your home in the face of covetous interests, It was a small step until eminent domain powers could be more comprehensively invoked, to grasp for properties which are not so, well, real. Be billed monthly for the use of my own DNA has been bad enough, but now, my identity appears to have been acquired by some "other." An anti-papa of sorts - is that what wrote "I'm not papa ha ha" or leaked a classified memo to this blog, thereby exposing to terrorists confidential personal data, including true age?

THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN MARKED "URGENT"

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!

You look like a monkey!
And smell like one too!

Stand up! Stand up!
Stand up and give us a bow!- wow- wow

Stand up! Stand up!
Stand up if you can remember how!

___________

I'm David Shuman
And I approve of this message.

But just barely. I'd give it a low "D"

The reason it's so crappy is that coming into the home stretch, when
my weekend receives absolution, my PR crew is exhausted & our funding
is drying up fast. And vice-versa. So, the birthday message?
Fast-and-dirty. Quick-and-cheap. How important a constituency here?
Sorry, Amy, you're pretty far down the list. My polling guy says I
probably could ignore you altogether and you'll still support me
anyway. Or at least not turn State's evidence. (More on that later.)
It makes a lot more sense to reach out to a more promising 10/30
demographic, one a touch more "undecided." For example, Uncle Sidney
would have been 89 today. I'll reach out to him instead.

Sorry, this isn't personal. It's just "bizness." OK - look at it
this way. Say I sent you a fancier e-mail. I could have included
audio. Takes a little more time, a little more effort, uses a few
more kilobytes, but maybe you'd get a better overall impression. OK. I
do that. - and then what? You click on the little triangle, I
start to sing, and the next thing you know, Amnesty International is
down my door - they'll say that it doesn't matter that it's louder at
Guantanamo - it's the overall effect that really does the damage. I
could get sued (by your cochlea's estate, for one), arrested for
verbal assault, assault upon the senses, violations of terms of the
standing order etc etc and finally, the Feds will nail me for criminal
violations of the Federal Communications Act. Think - If an exposed
breast costs about $240,000 per second, or about $20,000 per
pixel-second, what'll it cost me?

But it won't stop there, Amy. The prosecutor will try and twist the
whole thing, say that my offense was so flagrant and wanton that I'd
be "gambling" long odds that I wouldn't get caught! They'll say that
"gambling" was my motive and since they can prove all the other
elements of the crime,(like that I did it,) they've clinched the case.

Getting caught on the Internet pulls a heavy weight these days.
I'll have my citizenship revoked. Be extraordinarily rendered to
Shuman House, Alaska. (pop. 5. Major port on Porcupine River) I'll
go there because my petition to be sent to Devil's Island was
rejected.

We can agree then? Even though you're the mom of the year, and this
is "the last birthday(number) you'll ever need," it's still a good
thing I didn't sent you a nicer e-mail?

Love, David

* * * Advertisement * * *

P.S.: I have to tell you - you can now receive all the news you'll
ever want! Rose got me a blog today! Or yesterday! I'm a
journalist! I think it's called "Papa's Blog" and it'll will be a few
weeks before we get the staff built and rolling. I think some of my
current PR crew might be good picks, and they'll all be looking for
jobs soon. Problem is, while imaginary people often make good
friends, very few work out as partners in business ventures.

I have a few imaginary examples in my blog of imaginary workers whose
productivity is below industry medians. If you do find my blog,
please let me know. I haven't accessed it yet, and I'm not sure how
to find it. It'll be easier when I implement my business plan,
because then I'll have prominent links with major sites. I'm thinking
to start:

1) the NY Times or maybe the Forward.

2) YouTube.
I'll probably put the link in the space currently taken by the
number two "Featured Video" rather than in #one's spot. That's
because I've been told that on some video sites, if my only content is
text, It's best for sales to appear a little humble.
3) Exxon.
Even though I might get more hits from some other site, Exxon made
over $10 billion last quarter and can afford to pay generous fees.
4) Swift Boat Veterans for Peace.com. News shows everywhere ran
these guy's ads for free. This should be a good site for generating
millions in publicity. In fact, what I might do visit, or maybe call
someone at Goldman or maybe Morgan, and they can raise a few billion
for me. I could secured it with a lien on the future free publicity
flow. This way, I'll have all the money upfront -I won't have to go
through all this work of writing a plan, doing a blog, do this, do
that nyah-nyah. So forget the blog for now.

P.P.S. As your lawyer, I am advising all of my imaginary clients
that the FCC's expanded budget for enforcement will significantly
increase the risk of fines to women who think that staying at home
means you can expose your breasts for free. If you are contemplating
such an act, please talk to me first about establishing a
special-purpose trust fund to defray costs of future convictions.

How old are you now!
How old are you now!

I'm to old to reflect
On what line 'sposed next.

***************

Well it's still your birthday in Albuquerque!

Labels: amy, birthday, FCC persecution

I'm not papa! I'm not papa! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!